It’s eerie to me how religious I’ve become. If I had met me from a year ago, at this very moment, I would have thought I was a completely different person. It’s funny now because I can hardly recognize that girl from before, she is not who I am, and yet I was her for most of my life. She was very bubbly, full of life, and loveable yet she was also very fierce in a way that people didn’t know whether they should hate her or respect her. That girl was outspoken, confident in a way that had everyone believing she was indestructible; she loved with all her heart, held nothing back, and when she was shattered, she fell like the mighty titans. She absorbed a lot of pain from others and would have laid her life down for her friends. She was everything I wanted others to believe. She was what she wanted herself to believe.
That girl was not me.
I am a very quiet person. I am a thinker, an analyzer, a counter. I don’t love, and I don’t let anyone love me. I have no feelings, my empathy is almost non-existent. When I want to feel something, cry to clear my head, I watch a sad movie, or read a book. My love for humanity is dangerously close to being destroyed completely. But whenever I am in public, I tap into her. I bring her out, because she knows people best. And that moment, that was all her. I am still waiting for my moment. I don’t know what it is, but it’s along the lines of someone breaking through the walls I have found myself enclosed in.
Her and I, well we used to be different. I used to be me, but she somehow pushed herself up to the surface, and when she did, I was as pushed down. I was trapped in my own body, while she enjoyed life to the fullest, although I am not sure it was a good kind of full. She over did it, and that is how I was able to find myself back up again. And when I resurfaced, it was like coming up for air after being underwater for a long period of time. I don’t know when the first switch happened, but I can remember when the second began. It was when I met him…Amir. Her and I were already in transition, but after that night with him, and then a week or two of absorbing his toxic personality, she couldn’t handle it anymore. And so I came up for air, while she closed herself off.
It’s funny because I’m the type to invest my life in a book. To say I love books is the understatement of the year. Take for example Colin and Penelope. I love them. I feel like I am part of their family, I mean I flew to Londonfor crying out loud so I could walk in hyde park, and dance and pretend like I was Penelope on her way to 12thstreet for tea when she bumped into Colin and they danced. If that’s not love and investment, I don’t know what is.
I know you don’t know Colin and Penelope, so maybe I’ll tell you about them. They are funny and realistic and wonderful people. I don’t think any other book has ever come close to that one for me. And I’ve read a ton of books. I mean a ton. Books are definitely one of the loves of my life.
Love… what a funny expression. Sometimes I don’t think I even know what that word means anymore. It’s become just another word for me. Just as water is another word, or food or … any word I suppose.I was in love once. To a wonderful guy, who I can say truly loved me back. Although now when I think about it, I can’t find a moment in our time together when we said it. I know we said it though, a lot in fact, I’m quite sure. But at this very moment, as I’m reading my favorite book, to be specific the exact moment when Colin told Penelope that he loved her, I realize… what does love mean to me anymore? I’m worried sometimes that I won’t be able to find out. I have forgotten what it is to love someone. How it feels. What it means.
What a funny word.